For many years of my own life I struggled with finding the right relationship, many of my clients have and do continue to struggle in this part of their lives, despite being successful, strong and capable women. I know how damaging this can be. I have seen women completely wrecked by their relationship choices, by their own traumas and decisions, unable to contact their blind spots. I’ve been there too. I’ve seen this scenario play out to railroad their diets, training and good intentions, and I have often been the frustrated body coach on the other end of it. Under these circumstances there is always one woman I recommend. Gigi Azmy has been floating in my virtual sphere for many years. She has always resonated with me, and I have found her contributions to be valuable, insightful and full of wisdom and integrity. I am honoured to feature her on my blog today.

Gigi Azmy is well known for one thing: her ability to rapidly transform her clients chronic issues into success with laser like precision. Before she became well known for her powerful transformational work, she worked for one of the biggest business consulting agencies in the world, Accenture.  She then opened her own tech consultancy and has been designing, managing, and implementing technology solutions for Fortune 500 companies for the past 8 years. Today, Gigi is a recognized conscious thought leader and coach in the San Francisco bay area. Gigi studied psychology as an undergraduate at Rutgers University and has her Masters in Business from Thomas State University.

You've dedicated your life's work to helping people in relationships: where does your passion for this work come from, and is there a story behind this?

Getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship at 30, where I wasn’t allowed to have needs that were not an extension of his in some way, I really had to stop and ask myself:  What is so broken inside of me that I keep on attracting broken relationships? 

My spiritual and personal development path started at 15 years old.  At 30 years old, I was leaving a relationship that showed me that 15 years of meditation and personal development work STILL didn’t touch my core trauma enough to make me stop choosing the wrong type of love.  

By 30 I had my MBA. I was a fancy consultant at one of the top management consulting companies in the world. I travel around the country, leading meetings at Fortune 500 companies to implement million dollar tech projects.  I made a big move cross country to live in California from New Jersey.  I was a smart capable woman, so why couldn’t I attract or create a healthy relationship?

For 3 years I decided to remain single until I healed my patterns because I knew I would just keep attracting my deepest wound. I was not one of those puppy in love type of girls.  I had my head on straight, I was strong and smart and intimidated most men.  I was not in and out of relationships. And yet, again, there I was in terrible relationships.  I realized how I had an addiction to sourcing love from outside of myself, even though I was an avid spiritual practitioner. I was so frustrated with teachers saying to find love inside of myself. Frankly, I didn’t know how. I sat in meditation with the questions and the answers came.   What I was able to find was the actual truth was not loving myself, but learning how to feel the love that is already there within me and amplify it.  With that type of daily practice, when a man enters my life that I really like I can be better at not grasping for his love or losing myself in the relationship. I now teach men and women how to find this love within themselves that is not dependent on circumstances outside of them.  Now as a relationship coach I know we all have the same basic problem with love: we either source our sense of worth from it or we are so scared of it we close ourselves off. 

What makes or breaks relationships in your point of view?

I love the research of Gottman Institute because it speaks about contempt being the #1 killer of a relationship.  From my experience, I have found the same to be true. When I or my partner stops showing that I honor, respect and hear your needs and thoughts, even if I don’t agree, there is no relationship. The art of being able to disagree and keep your heart open creates safety instead of contempt. 

What is the most harmful dating advice you ever heard?

You should be able to have sex with a man for fun with no emotional attachment.  Biological research has literally proven this to be false a million times and yet in our confused feminism we really want to push this false narrative. The women who are able to have sex without emotion are avoidant, emotionally walled off women to begin with, usually mixed with alcohol and great case of denial. 

Women confusing chemistry and connection for a future together.  Of course it doesn’t feel rational that he didn’t commit even though you just had a mind blowing conversation, but again, even if the confused version of feminism wants us to believe that, men and women are not the same. When a man wants a woman, he knows. He makes his decision known. You can hide behind the “but maybe he is shy to tell me”, but why would you want to be with a guy like that anyway? This returns us right back to the anxious and avoidant attacher relationship from hell. 

Be Fun & Mellow will attract me a partner

Being fun and mellow will have you walked over because you are trying to not appear needy.  Guess who preys on that? 

Being a fun girl and going to the fun things and being in fun energy is NOT going to attract you a good partner. It will attract to you a partner who is ungrounded. Instead of thinking fun will attract your partner, here is what will truly do it:  Your relationship with truth.  Are you being honest about where you are in life and the work you have to do?

The women who are able to have sex without emotion are avoidant, emotionally walled off women to begin with, usually mixed with alcohol and great case of denial. 

In the field of relationship psychology, who do you respect and why?

 Book Recommendations: 

• Attached by Levine - Helps you understand your attachment trauma

• The Body Keeps The Score - Bessel van der Kolk, MD. - Helps you understand how trauma self-sabotages your relationships 

• The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida  - illustrates the sacred masculine and feminine in everyday action 

• Loving What Is - Byron Katie - teaches you a method to question your mind so you are not stuck in your painful thoughts.
  

What is one vital lesson you have learned and applied successfully to your own relationship?

Safety in the relationship is the #1 priority. Safety means I will do everything in my power to help you feel safe and secure in our relating without veering into codependency. This is the opposite of contempt, the biggest killer of relationships.

When a man wants a woman, he knows. He makes his decision known.

There's a hypothetical woman who is stuck in a pattern of choosing an emotionally unavailable guy, what advice would you offer her and if she came to you for support how would that look? 

Very much like my own journey I would have her start noticing how when she really likes someone she loses herself in the relationship. She gives too much and bends over backwards. This is her sourcing love outside of herself in hopes she can fill the loneliness in her heart. I would have her look at this tendency. 

I would have her rewire the trauma that makes her so afraid of being rejected and abandoned and not feeling good enough.  She would no longer be afraid of being lonely. I am trained in trauma release techniques that rewire this automatic response. 

Lastly, I would teach her about how to be magnetic to a partner without losing herself or abandoning her needs. She would then be able to stand in her own power, voice her needs, walk away from toxic situations without the fear that she will always be alone. 

What is a higher conscious relationship?

 In this relationships there are 2 things going on: 

1. Mutual SAFETY:  

When we study the most cutting human psychology we find that for a relationship to thrive, it has to feel secure and safe so that the nervous systems of partners can relax enough to be able to create a happy life together. Without safety, the relationship deteriorates into arguments that are bids for safety, love and understanding. 

1. Mutual GROWTH:

With two partners committed to the growth, both are responsible for how they show up.  My clients want to be in a conscious relationship, but when they experience being held accountable for the first time, they are shocked.  My avoidant client Lynn is newly dating a secure man Omar.  Because she is avoidant, she has a tendency to nitpick her partner instead of bringing up what she is really feeling.  As he was cooking she nitpicked his style. He called her out on it and how bad it made him feel.  She was not used to or ready for that type of honest vulnerable confrontation with the truth, but that is what a conscious relationship is…..do you still want it?

Beyond the work you are doing in the world, who is Gigi Azmy?

I am an old soul born during this time because I can make quick connections that help people break out of their emotional and thinking prisons. I am a woman born to Muslim parents and went to Catholic school and is now an teacher of eastern awakening of the higher self as your embodied way of being. I am a wife to an incredible conscious African American man who embodies the sacred masculine in such an exquisite manner that makes me on my knees grateful daily.  I am a self healer and I believe you can heal yourself too. 

If you would like to find more about Gigi contact her via her website:

www.gigiazmy.com