Do You Find Setting Boundaries Difficult?
I’m working on boundaries with all of my clients right now as a theme for Christmas. It is traditionally a time when we might sacrifice our boundaries for the good of the tribe, and then feel resentful or angry, or we might allow others to push our boundaries and get either reactive and angry or internalise our feelings and feel resentful.
None of these are healthy responses but they are very common, especially when we have grown up in enmeshed house holds where boundaries were not respected or taught. Fortunately we can learn how to have boundaries and uphold them in a loving and respectful manner.
Remember when you communicate a boundary you are teaching someone how to love you and this actually brings more intimacy in the long run. Some people may feel threatened by your boundaries and not respond well at first but persist anyway, trust me, it is better to stand up for yourself and feel uncomfortable for a moment than to roll over for someone else and erode your self esteem in the long term.
A step by step guide to setting boundaries.
Step 1 : Know what your boundaries are. If you don't, no one else will and you can’t blame them for overstepping a boundary they weren’t aware of, or you weren’t aware you had.
Step 2 : Write your boundaries down.
Step 3 : Verbalise your boundaries in a kind, loving and humorous way at first. If someone continues to overstep your boundaries a more firm approach is the next step.
Step 4 : If setting boundaries seems threatening practice in non risky situations like at a restaurant eg: If the waiter is being overly helpful and intruding on conversations you can kindly ask them to give you a bit of space.
Step 5 : Example boundary:
Aunty Gene: “you’ve lost weight.”
“Thanks Aunty Gene, I know you’re being kind but I’d prefer if you didn’t comment on my weight loss because I feel bad then when I put on weight, like my weight is linked to whether I’m acceptable or not. Does that make sense?”
Step 6: Hopefully this opens an opportunity for a deeper more intimate conversation and brings you closer but if Aunty Gene responds with hostility you will need a firmer approach.
EG: “Aunty Gene my body isn’t up for discussion, let’s talk about something else. Are you going on holiday this year?”
Step 7: Remember leaving a situation that you feel is harmful is a way of stating a boundary and you are protecting yourself by not staying.
Do you find setting boundaries difficult? At WBC we aren’t just about sets and reps because we know its behaviour change that gets you the best long term results.
January intake is open now. Limited places available, book your free consultation to get going.
